Youkoso Jitsuryoku Shijou Shugi no Kyoushitsu e Vol. 4 Prologue
Karuizawa Kei's Monologue
In the end, even after I entered this school. Nothing had changed. No, perhaps it was that I had no intention of changing anything from the start. For better or for worse, it was the same as that time. The reason for that was very simple. I understand myself more than anyone else does. Both my strengths and my weaknesses, I know them all. I know none of the boys and none of the girls like me. Even though I understood that clearly I didn't think to change. But it doesn't matter. Because I had long since stopped perceiving it as hurtful. Because I myself wanted this.
As I got out of the shower attached to the student rooms, I looked at myself in the mirror while water droplets accumulated on my skin. How many, just how many times, have I wanted to smash this mirror into pieces? Every time I see wounds of the past in it, I am reminded of my horrid past. Suddenly feeling dizzy and nauseated, I quickly put my hands on the sink and vomit into it. Why? Why am I looked at with such eyes? Why? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why? Why? Why? I repeated the same question to myself countless times. Words that no longer carried any meaning. The past is immutable. I cannot change anyone or anything from the past anymore.
God has been very cruel to me. My very personality was destroyed by the nightmare of that time, I had also lost my youth, my friends and myself to it. I need to correct that mistake now. No matter how much they hate me, it's still better than suffering that again. Yes. I don't need 'youth'. I don't need 'friends'. The most important thing is that I protect myself. I will do whatever I must to ensure that. I am...a parasite. A weak creature incapable of surviving on its own.